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"Mine's not," Kathy said bluntly. "I'm...I'm pretty fucked up, Anders. You have to know that. Going in. I'm not okay. There's still so much I haven't even had time to process yet. It's not going to be easy."

But god, being with Anders had always been the easiest thing in the world. She craved that again. Just something she didn't have to work at, to struggle to fit.

"And...there's Dante. I think...I think maybe you should talk to him. Before we agree to anything. Because as much as I want to be with you more than anything...I don't want my yes to come at the expense of whatever you have with Dante. I left. He didn't."

"Right. Dante." And with that, Anders was back in the real world, pulled out of the fantasy he'd been building in his head. "I should tell you, things aren't the same with him as they were when you left."

Which anyone with eyes could probably tell, but Anders was starting small, here.

"I'd noticed," Kathy agreed, curling around herself a little. She'd seen them together and the part of her that wasn't selfish was glad for them.

The parts that weren't were jealous (of both of them really), hurt, sad, and even a little angry. But she was trying really, really hard to focus on the parts of her that weren't selfish.

"He's happy around you in a way I don't think I've ever seen him be before," she added. "You're good together."

"I didn't plan on it," Anders said quickly, feeling guilty. "I wasn't looking for anything emotional from him. But now -- I think I'm in love with him, Kathy."

That was scary to say aloud, but he figured Kathy deserved to know what she was coming into. He chewed on his thumbnail. "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"

Kathy needed a moment. Hearing Anders say it aloud tore at her heart as the sharp intake of breath over the line probably hinted at. But when she did speak, her voice was steady. Not strong, but steady. "Parker, Eliot, and Hardison manage it," she reminded. "Lots of societies believe in plural relationships. And no one expects you to love only one of your children, or siblings, or the like."

Her nails were pressing into her palms hard enough to leave half-moon indents in her skin. "I don't blame you for falling for him. I probably would have if that hadn't been something he emphatically didn't want. Grief has a way of bringing people together and it was me who put you guys through that, so..." She took another deep, shuddering breath. It was funny. Loving Anders made her want to not be fair or rational about this--and impossible to be anything but at the same time. "Just...Before you say anything to me for real, take some time to make sure it is real? Not just nostalgia for what we had or our friendship being as close as it is, but..."

Talking was getting harder now, but she had to push on, get it all out. "It's not that I think you don't know how you feel, I just won't be able to...handle it well...if you're mistaken."

"I know how I feel, but it wouldn't be fair at all to put you through that, especially not now," Anders agreed, once he'd exhaled the breath he'd been unconsciously holding through most of the time Kathy was talking. "So -- I won't say anything unless I'm ready to be with you all the way."

That was such an adult thing to say, and he knew it was the right thing to say, but it tore at his heart anyhow. Some part of him just loved her and wanted things to be easy for once; a larger part, if he was honest, couldn't swear that he was in love with Kathy the way he should be if they were going to pick up where they left off.

They needed time, then. Time and an awkward conversation with Dante.

"Funny," he added, after a moment. "We always did have the worst timing, didn't we?"

"We had two good months," Kathy said and then stopped.

Two months. They'd only had two months together and barely that. A little bit of Kathy wondered if it wouldn't just be better to let it go. She was just so tired of fighting and hoping and it still not being enough. Two months of a high school romance--most people would say it wouldn't have lasted anyway. Maybe she should leave that behind in LA, along with Banzai and her family.

"I hate to admit how much of that is my own idiocy."

But the way this conversation was lacerating her heart was nothing compared to how she felt when she thought of saying anything like that out loud.

She'd fight. For Anders.

"Some of it was me, too," Anders said, since it seemed like a better idea than telling Kathy she'd been an idiot again. "I knew how much I liked you, but I was so worried about hurting anyone I didn't admit things weren't right with Nathan until he was ready to go. And then ... then we had two months."

And to be fair, they really had been incredible months. There just weren't enough of them.

By god, they had been. And Kathy had been so busy looking forward to what was next, she didn't think she'd properly appreciated what she'd had. Because those had been the two best months of her life, hands down.

"You made me so happy," she said softly. "No matter what happens next, I just want you to know that I had never been happier than during those two months."

Anders smiled slightly into the phone, a melancholy twist in his stomach. He thought Kathy was being a little dramatic, but it wasn't as if she didn't have a good reason.

"Me either," he said. "Only time in my life I felt completely safe. We should've known it wouldn't last."

"Maybe," Kathy said. "I don't know. I mean, it couldn't last the way it was. Even if there weren't exes in Los Angeles, our situation would have at least changed. But I don't think it necessarily had to end the way it did."

"I think I can safely say it's not why people normally stop seeing each other," Anders said, voice laced with dark humor. "Oh, but I don't know what would have happened either. I just tend to be a pessimist about things like that. Always seems to me like everybody leaves eventually."

"But hey," Kathy said with deliberate lightness. "At least one of us came back."

So maybe things were changing for him?

"Maybe my luck's changing," Anders suggested, matching the deliberate lightness. "That'd be nice, at least."

"I hope so," Kathy said, realizing anew what Dante being a Nephilim could mean, what Vergil could mean. He had people who understood Limbo and demons with him. He had someone with a plan to stop the demons.

He no longer had an expiration date, not quite the same way.

"I really hope so."

Anders let out a soft, pleased huff.

Then -- feeling like the conversation might have done as much as it could -- he spoke in a slightly apologetic tone.

"I should get back to vacationing," he said. "I have a busy evening lying on the beach ahead of me. But call if you need to talk about all the stuff in your head, all right?"

"I'll try," Kathy said. "It's still hard to, sometimes."

Talking meant she had to face it. Meant dumping it on someone else. Meant she had to keep hoping everyone stays patient while she ranted and rambled on about the same things.

"But I'll try. If you promise you don't mind. And we'll talk when you get back. Until then?"

Edited 2017-02-24 05:48 (UTC)

"Until then," Anders agreed. "Bye, Kathy."

There was a melancholy clench in his stomach as he hung up. Things with Kathy were improving, but the ease and happiness they'd known a year ago was still missing. He didn't know if it was even fair to want them to come back.

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